i should be making a list of students that plan on returning to the school, being the registrar and all, but moments of calmness like this are few and far between. i've been catching up with friends' blogs and am listening to the pixies on last.fm.

this past wednesday night was our school's pride night and i came in to help out with setting the event up. kimball was nice enough to come along and got to work in pulling out weeds and filling up jugs with water.

it's been a difficult adjustment to work in this office. yes, it was hard getting along with co-workers in the beginning but ultimately, it was hard to not work with what i studied in college. i studied psychology with an emphasis on clinical work and counseling.

i interact with parents and students all day, everyday but it's not how i'd like it to be. there are boundaries. questions i am not allowed to ask. restrictions on the amount of assistance i am more naturally inclined to offer. i have noticed that i envy the dcfs workers that come in to speak to the same children i am wanting to investigate and help.

after not getting in to the one program i applied to this year, i have become frantic in trying to figure out what to do next with my life. i refuse to turn 30 in this office. i miss studying and i miss academia. i won't be very busy this summer here in the office and i am hoping to study for the gre and apply to msw programs and hopefully be back in school by january. i know i shouldn't be affected by others' opinions of me but i can't help but hear michael's voice saying 'davey, you need to figure out a career for yourself already. you're getting old.'

i don't think he was intentionally being harsh but how can i not feel self-conscious with what i'm doing with my life when i hear something like that? i've spoken with my parents about my concerns and they've been extremely supportive but they are beginning to be aggressively adamant in telling me that i need to go back to florida so that i can live at home and go to school in tampa. i think i would die. things have changed so much for me that i think they would probably die as well. however, i do think there is a part of me that feels incomplete by not having my family nearby. i'm not so melodramatic and i haven't faced complete devastation yet in life but sometimes i find myself feeling like marisa paredes' character in 'the flower of my secret' when she faces disappointment after disappointment. in the end, she returns to her mother to regain her strength before returning to the lone and dreary world. i think i need that right now. i need to see my family and have them love me in ways only they can love me.

i do, however, realize that life isn't as hard for me as it is for most people. and i am grateful to be surrounded by goodness. that 'goodness' is specifically comprised of people and the relationships that i have established here in utah.

i really need to reread martin seligman's 'authentic happiness' and get a better grasp on what is happiness to me. it's good to be reminded every now and again of what makes one a more satisfied person.